Are you living your life—or performing it?
My main focus within my business as well as my life, is living in sync with the seasons. Autumn definitely ignites a spark to invite more movement in before the slowness of winter locks in. I’d love to provide my insight as someone who not only coaches folks to live within the cycles of nature, but also provides musings from above and below as an herbalist and astrologer.
How do I distinguish between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation in my work with clients, and why does it matter?
Deconstructing societal expectations from your own intrinsic values and ethics can sometimes take a lifetime to decode. Though working on small, actionable steps toward finding your inner voice can act as the perfect barometer to make sure you’re staying on track with what you want out of life, and drown out the noise of others’ expectations. I find that clients have a tendency to push down or quiet the inner voice. It usually comes from the chest or shoulders, and isn’t as loud as the external stimuli. Listening to what you want can almost feel a little daunting at first, so leaning into your dreams and desires can take time to get comfortable with, but it’s worth the learning curve. Extrinsic motivation is often passed onto us through gender roles, familial expectations (or trauma), or through societal expectations. It’s not aligned with our soul’s purpose, and it usually doesn’t light you up, but instead, dims the inner light within you.
What are some subtle signs that You are living according to others’ expectations rather than Your own values?
When the energy behind your actions feels rushed, inauthentic, or something you feel like you need to escape from. When you feel tiny pings of regret, shame, or the inability to be proud of what you’re doing, it is a sign that your consciousness is craving something more. Especially if you feel the need to consume alcohol often or participate in escapism, you might be trapped by others’ expectations.
Can extrinsic motivation (like external rewards or approval) ever be healthy or sustainable, or does it always carry a cost?
It’s healthy and normal to want approval, or even to display your accomplishments. However, when your entire self-worth is based on how many acronyms are after your name, in a field that you never wished to really pursue and only did to make family proud, things eventually start to fall apart. We all only have a certain amount of time that we can keep giving in to others' desires for ourselves before the facade falls. It’s not sustainable long-term, and it eventually starts to eat away at other aspects of life. Unhappiness and stress can bleed into interpersonal relationships, mental health, and even your physical health. The number of folks I’ve seen with digestive imbalances that can’t otherwise be pinpointed usually stems from systemic long-term stress, is staggering.
What kinds of emotional or psychological consequences do you see when people prioritize performance over authentic living?
Burnout stress, and the general inability to enjoy life to the fullest are the most common complaints I see among clients when they’re not living their truth. More often than not, I see clients participating in escapism either through relationships, substances, or climbing the corporate ladder. Eventually, though, things fall apart. Not just the veneer of stability that they’ve built around themselves, but especially within their relationships. It’s hard to connect with others authentically when you feel like you’re a shell of a person stuck behind others’ expectations.
How can someone begin to reconnect with their intrinsic motivation if they feel out of touch with what truly moves them?
My favorite way to connect clients back with their intuition and inner compass is easy and low-cost. However, it’s one of the hardest routines to build because the payoff isn’t immediate. Meditation, especially when done at least once a day, has the most profound effect on both the physical and mental body. Eventually, you start to connect with your goals, passions, and your inner light. I always recommend to clients to stagger their routine, and start with 1 mindful minute per day for a week, and increase by 3 minutes every week. Eventually, the pull to go inward becomes natural, and you learn to do it off of your meditation pillow and connect with yourself throughout the day. It’s a safe container to not only get to know yourself, but also break down walls you might have put up when it wasn’t so safe to be yourself.
What role does self-compassion play in shifting from external validation to internal alignment?
Gosh, I’d say self-compassion is the leading force in finding that shift. You’ll have to forgive yourself for so many instances throughout your life, especially when you start deconstructing social constructs and generational trauma. Without this radical movement of compassion, you’re not able to do the real work of getting to know yourself again. The shame, guilt, and regret of chasing corporate dreams instead of spending time with family—or maybe living a life married to the person you “should” be with instead of the person you loved. It’s a big shift to go from sitting in the passenger seat to finally getting in the driver’s seat. It takes time to forgive yourself for being passive, but once you make the decision to act out of self-love and give yourself grace, you totally change the trajectory of your life.
Are there practices or reflection exercises you recommend that help people notice whether they’re inhabiting their lives or performing them?
Finding moments of stillness since our daily world can be so activating and full of stimulation changes the game. Meditation, a daily quiet time, or journaling can help you sink into what it means ot be uniquely you. If this seems too quiet, something like gentle movement of yoga, walking meditation, or even playing with pets can help you recenter. You’ll just have to be aware of any past habits popping up (like being the “best student at the yoga studio, or looking a certain way when you walk around the neighborhood.) It takes time to decenter others’ expectations that have sometimes been instilled in your psyche for decades, so finding slow, gentle hobbies is my favorite way to bring the stillness into our daily routines.
How might the change of seasons—like the transition into autumn—offer a natural opportunity for reevaluating motivations and resetting goals?
Autumn is a great time for planning, not so much for making big changes. It allows us to mull things over and even try them out for a little while, the stakes a bit lower at the end of the year. There aren’t as many expectations thrown your way. It can be something big, like making a commitment to not spend time around your dysfunctional family and bow out of holiday obligations. Or, it can be something as simple as saying no to happy hour and spending time reading a fantasy book instead, after a life-long mantra of telling yourself that you “don’t have time to read books for fun, only for work.” You get to decide how you want the next year to look, and spend Autumn creating your boundaries, routines, and rhythms for the year ahead. Use the stillness of winter to assimilate and see what works or might need a little bit of a shift.
How can astrology or herbalism help someone live more authentically?
Incorporating astrology or herbs into your life can help you work through deep emotional blocks and even help you plan for big life changes. It helps you find the why or the karmatic loops, and gives you a space to deconstruct those viewpoints in a safe container. You’re able to rewire and reframe your thinking at your own pace, and be seen and held by someone who gets it.
Looking at your natal chart not only helps you plan for the upcoming seasons of life, but it also makes sense of everything that’s happened before. It gives you a roadmap of sorts, and you’re able to see it from a bird's-eye view.
Think about how transformative it would be if you were able to almost time-travel in a way, and see the possible reasons for the seemingly random “cause and effect” swings you were being dealt in the past.
Astrology gives you space to deconstruct, and herbalism gives you the connection and insight to integrate in a way that’s rooted in compassion.